Lighter Game

Source: Kelsey Smoot

Instructions:

  • Two people sit across a table from each other 

  • One slides a lighter across the table towards the other

    • The goal is to get the lighter as close as possible to the edge without it falling over the edge (it is okay if the lighter is hanging over the edge, as long as it doesn’t fall off) 

  • The other person slides the lighter back with the same goal

  • The person who gets the lighter closest to the edge wins that round; the person that has lost must do one of the following:

    • Share a confession to the other person 

    • Make an apology to the other person

    • Give an affirmation to the other person

  • If a person pushes the lighter over the edge, they automatically lose that round

  • Repeat until game ends or reaches a natural conclusion (e.g. food arrives to the table) 

Modifications:

We have used coins for this activity as well. 

Praxis (why + theory):

This game feels like a gift. Kels and I have entered some seriously uncomfortable dialogues by revealing repressed truths, exploring unspoken observations, and unearthing past slights. We have also shared much laughter as the activity has the ability to display our values and grievances in such a way that, when spoken aloud, we realize that some of the thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs we have been holding on to for so long are actually a little silly. 

The reflection necessitated by the inquiry–prompted by a loss–demands a deeper level of interpersonal reflection that many of us are not accustomed to engaging impromptu. We are thrown into a type of reflection that does not follow the normal line of thinking like, “what are my thoughts about my own behavior?” but more so, “how has my behavior shaped this relationship for better or worse?” “How have I been showing up in this dynamic?” “What must I accept about myself or where can I improve?”

Recipients of the reflection, apology, or affirmation must also learn how to respond. Many of us do not know what to do with an apology or how to receive an affirmation.

Kelsey Smoot  came up with this game while sitting across the table at a restaurant with a friend. He shared how he has always had a natural affinity toward question asking, and in recent years, an increasing predilection–some might say, an obsession–with infusing my relationships with maximum vulnerability. In Kelsey’s experience, gamifying this type of activity allows for an increased level of comfort when talking about things that might be anxiety-inducing. In many ways, each player gets an important choice in every round: Do I want to gift someone a kindness, share something that might strengthen our connection, or acknowledge a past harm.